Her Life Now

Thanks for the chance to share my experience since baring it all with your "Just As I Am" project. It has been a very profound experience for me, as I knew it would be. As soon as I heard about your project, I knew instantly, that I would be participating. It was that kind of knowing that comes from somewhere very mystical and magical. That part of me, that always knows what's best for me. And then, like usual, when my ego doesn't approve of my higher self's actions, a little debate started, that went kinda like this... "What are you thinking?" ..."I'm thinking that I'm gonna do this.".... "Are you nuts?" ..."Maybe..maybe not."... "You mean to say, you're gonna let someone take your naked picture, and post it on a website, and put it in an art show, and totally let go of the rights?" ..."Yup, that's what I'm gonna do."... "You can't do that..for one, it's crazy, and for another, you are too fat and too ugly..don't you know, only pretty, thin people are allowed to do that...nobody wants to see you." ..."Maybe...maybe not...but I need to see me, and so I'm gonna do it."

And there it was. I needed to see ME. I didn't totally understand that, at the time. And I didn't know how it would play out. I just knew, with absolute certainty, that this was gonna be a very profound experience.

I still remember the drive to the studio that day, and thinking to myself, "Why don't you just do a private photo shoot? Why do something so public?" But, I knew why. I knew that this was my opportunity to stop living in shame, and it needed to be big. It needed to be bigger than my shame. Bigger than this self-loathing, that I've carried around forever. And I needed to have no way to turn back. Because I always turn back. I always return to that shame. But, not this time. This time, I was gonna make sure that the only direction to go, was forward.

What a surprise the first time I saw my picture. It's not like I hadn't seen myself naked. I'm pretty much a nudist at home, so I often see myself naked. I knew what I looked like. But, something totally different happens, when you see yourself in a photo...naked, vulnerable...captured in a moment in time. You get to really see what others see. (or at least, what you think they see.) At first, all I could see was my big belly, and my fat legs, and I felt embarassed and angry at myself. How could I let myself get so big? I could have asked why, as well, but I knew why. I've always known why. Food has been my comfort...my protection...my way to keep all the bad memories stuffed neatly down. The memories that were too painful to acknowledge. The memories that have been screaming at me for a long, long time. On that day, I knew that I was finally ready to listen. Really listen...with my heart. I was finally strong enough, courageous enough, to hear the truth, that I had always known, deep inside me.

And so, that has been my experience, my work, since being in the project. Coming to terms with what happened to me, long ago, and letting it go...finally. I used to think that remembering would kill me, but the opposite is actaully true. Remembering has set me free. Holding on was killing me. It's really such a relief to have those memories out of me...to let them have air...to let them float out, into the universe, and fly away. And it's an on-going process. Some days are really rough. And some days are blissful, beyond belief. The best part is that I'm starting to feel more whole, more alive, more authentic, and more worthy of love and goodness...and I hold on to that, on the hard days. And the anger is slowly fading. The anger that has been my steady companion, for a long time. In it's place, I'm starting to feel a sense of peace and calm, and sometimes, even forgiveness and gratitude. Gratitude for all the circumstances of my life, that have helped to shape me into the person, that I am today. I would not be this person, had it not all happened...and I'm starting to really like and appreciate ME.

I still see the big belly and the fat legs, when I look at my picture...but, today, I have compassion for this body...this beautiful body that has carried me through so much, with grace and dignity. And I see other things. I see courage, and kindness...trust, and faith. I see the innocence of a little girl, and the determination of a strong woman. And I see the willingness to share myself, with the world....Just As I Am.